When you are expecting a baby – a Guide for Expectant Parents

Expecting a baby is a responsible, touching and anxious process. A lot of questions worry parents during this period: “Are we having a boy or girl?” “What to expect during delivery?” “Will our baby be healthy?” “Who will our baby look like?” “What colour of eyes will our baby have?” and etc. Let’s dot the i’s and cross the t’s!

The first trimester (1-3 months)

The experience of expecting a baby is unique for both parents. They each discover new destinations of the relationship with the world, society, each other and their growing baby.  

Emotions that a woman experiences during her pregnancy are changeable and sometimes conflicting. Both father’s feelings and mother’s worries are valuable and deserve attention. Ignoring the feelings of each other creates the atmosphere of mistrust and grievance in the family. The studies of perinatal psychologists have shown that the feelings experienced by a child in the womb are real. Every person is born with the rich psychological experience of relationships with the world that was received in the womb or in delivery. Respect and attention to the individual feelings of each other strengthen the emotional health of all members of the family and help the formation of a child’s confidence in the world and its harmonious feelings in it.

Father – Mother – Child

The first trimester is a time of rapid development of your baby. By the fourth week of pregnancy, ultrasound can detect an audible heartbeat at this time. At the beginning of the second month synapses, sensory organs and the brain itself are continuing to form and develop. The first sensory organ that begins to develop is the sense of touch. Your baby touches amniotic fluid and explores the uterine wall, umbilical cord and even its own body parts. It is obvious that all surfaces the baby touches before its birth are soft. During the second month of pregnancy, the following reflexes are noticed: while touching the lips the mouth muscles begin to contract, touching the palm causes the grasp reflex of the hand, touching the foot causes a reaction of the leg. At the beginning of the third month, the first limb movements appear and their strength will increase with time. By the end of the first trimester all organs and body systems of the baby are formed and functional.

At the same time, the first trimester is a time when parents have to make a serious decision concerning their life together. And the sooner you make this decision the better it will be for your child

The second step is to accept your child for who he/she is. It occurs quite often that parents expect a baby with certain characteristics of sex, health conditions, abilities, appearance. It looks like they buy a custom-made order and it is difficult for them to reject their expectations. Everybody understands that it’s impossible to choose the baby you want. Though there are parents who try to influence on certain rates as the sex of their future baby, others want to determine whether it’s a boy or a girl during early pregnancy in spite of the fact that modern technologies cannot give 100% accuracy. Obviously, it would be judicious to accept the gift of Nature. This will help you to avoid disappointment and the most important part is to create the auspicious atmosphere for the development of your baby in the womb.

Father – Mother

During the first months of pregnancy the emotional life of a woman is full of ups and downs. Many pregnant women find they cry more easily then they did before their pregnancy. A pregnant woman may feel painful physical sensations as heartburn, constipation, nausea and vomiting. Tobacco smoke, strong scent of men’s cologne, some foodstuffs and stuffy room may cause these unpleasant body reactions. Men react differently to indisposition and hypersensitivity of their wives.

There are fathers who get accustomed to the conditions of their wives owing to this they begin to have the same feelings as nausea, vomiting, changes in appetite and body weight gain. Others try to influence on their wives insisting on following all recommendations, strict diet, they protect them from any worries and activities. There is also a third group of fathers who don’t pay much attention to the “whims” of the future mom as they consider it’s a natural process and there is nothing to worry about. Many men feel confused because of the unusual behavior of their wives this may cause some feelings of loneliness, a yearning for running away from home and even they can be jealous.  

To live through this transition period more easily and to receive the amazing experience of cooperation it would be better to look for the ways of preventing and resolving conflict situations together as early as possible

Advices for both spouses:

1. Share your thoughts and feelings with each other.
   The future fathers and mothers may have different emotions such as gratitude and admiration, feelings of proud of the family, fear to lose independence, deep misgivings about changes in the relationships, fear of changes in the physical body, worries about the health and destiny of the baby, doubts concerning abilities of becoming good parents, fear to feel pain during delivery and etc. Unfortunately, following stereotypes of behavior there are men who don’t want to see their wives’ tears and at the same time women don’t ask their men to support them. Notice that negative feelings accumulating gradually will grow like a snowball that may destroy your health and relationships. Is it reasonable to hide negative and positive emotions? One of the most common mistakes is to think that your beloved must understand without any words what you need. Women who are convinced of this position will never ask for help but they will bear a grudge against their men. However, the wife stays like an unread book for the loving man. She is a mystery to him and that is wonderful, otherwise he would lose his interest in her.
2. Do everything that gives you mutual pleasure.
   The readiness of the future father to pay attention to his wife’s needs and to meet her wishes creates the most auspicious atmosphere in the family. Spend your time together doing pleasant activates but also don’t forget to do the activities that will be good for the health of the future mother such as walking, listening to live or recorded music, visiting exhibitions, reading books (e.g. fairytales), visiting your friends and etc. If the father is very busy and has no time he should change his schedule and try to spend more time with his wife together. Perhaps, you as the future father will have to leave your sport activities for a few months, you won’t be able to go on the business trips or meet with your friends but understanding that all that you do together will create the most auspicious atmosphere for the development of your future baby will strengthen you and help you make the right decision.
3. Read as more information as you can from the reliable sources.
   Uncertainty may cause anxiety, doubts and fear. Please notice that the point of view about breast feeding, how to raise a child, delivery methods has been changing and the same things that you moms used to do now look unsuitable and even harmful for your baby’s health. Try to get modern knowledge and information. Read special periodical editions, books and watch videos for the future parents.
4. Make inquiries about parent-training courses.
   It doesn’t matter how many books you have read or maybe you have already had some experience as parents in any case live communication with the qualified specialist and other couples that are waiting for a baby will be useful for you. You may receive all the information about parent-training courses in your antenatal clinic also you can get it from the reference books, periodical sources for parents and from your friends who have already had little children.
5. Retain your sense of humour.
   A healthy sense of humour has the wholesome influence on the health in the most difficult circumstances. This merit will be of use during your pregnancy, delivery and after the birth of your baby. After all, humour helps to be calm, to see the situation in a different light, to find a right decision and adjust your differences. If one of the spouses has decided to make a remark regarding the health of the future baby don’t do it indignantly and rudely in public. The psyche of both parents is vulnerable and it is evident that the consequences will be negative. A remark made with silent voice, softened by humour and love will be more effective and in any case, won’t hurt.
6. Be patient!
   Remember that by the fourth month of pregnancy there is a stabilization of the level of hormones and as a result, it alleviates physical ailment and mental instability. Understanding that mood swings during the first trimester are temporary and amenable to explanation will help to see your own emotions from the side. It’s not so difficult to cope with problems if you do it together.

Advice for the wife:

Focus your attention on your husband.  The wife who can help her husband define his indispensable place during this period will rid anyone of the feeling of estrangement. Demonstrate how his attention helps you. Show your husband that he has become more important to you and you place your love to him above everything even when your baby is born you won’t reshape relations between you both.

Advice for the husband:

• Draw your attention to the experience of other dads. The experience of other fathers will be helpful for the future father. One of the fathers has even written a book about study aids for “crazy” dads (Andrei Maksimov “Kormyashchiy otets. Posobiye dlya sumasshedshikh pap.”– M.:Voskresen’ye, 1993.)
• Show your interest when your wife visits a doctor. As these visits will be regular so it would be better if the husband could make this process easier for his wife. For example, you can take her to the clinic or you can help her choose the best maternity home with excellent service. A lot of fathers want to be present during ultrasound examination of the fetus to receive the optic representation of their child. It may happen that you will have to discuss important issues with your family and to make a decision regarding hospitalization, the necessity of changing a doctor or clinic.
• Share a healthy lifestyle with your wife. Fathers, as well as mothers, worry about the health of their future baby. But the mother takes responsibility while the father, as a rule, makes his wife responsible, demanding to follow different limitations that are often extreme. However, studies have shown that fathers, who follow the rules, at least when they are with their wives, help more effectively. If it seems like a huge sacrifice, the father should think about all the sacrifices his wife makes to give birth to their baby. Moreover, as we know a healthy lifestyle is always wholesome for everyone. It may happen that taking care of the wife and their baby, in the beginning, may encourage the father to make his own choice in favor of healthy food, quitting smoking and breaking bad habits.

Books and articles:
“Babies and their Mothers” by D.W. Winnicott
Talking to Parents” by D.W. Winnicott
Documentary: “Babies”
Zh. Tsaregradskaya “Rebenok ot zachatiya do goda”
Tatyana Solomatina “Sovetyi zaletevshim”